ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

You Might Also Like


4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!


My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.


My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.


What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business


One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.


Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?


Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.


Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby


Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.


I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.