@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

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@MooseAllain

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

@CourtneyBale

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

@TitansHomer

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Ceasars

*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

@stephenjmolloy

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

@BoredomDidIt

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

@SlothSlouch

Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds

@TheToddWilliams

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@prufrockluvsong

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass