@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

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@SnarkyMommy78

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

@Social_Mime

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

@zachreinert03

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@Divergentmama

Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?

@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

@rcromwell4

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

@ramblinma

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

@KalvinMacleod

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.