@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

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@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

@RunOldMan

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

@iwearaonesie

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@jonnysun

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices