Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices