Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Worth remembering.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?