me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Barbie gone wild
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.