Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”