me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet