Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

moms in horror movies

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

TODAY

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.