Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.