Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.