Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

SQUARREL

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK