Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?