Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Has science gone too far?

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.