Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

I have a new favorite meme page

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl