Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

🍞🦆

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.