Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Genius idea!!

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.