Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: