Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

The French word for sex is croissant.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

These dogs look like they have good credit.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

i was baptized in a car wash

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.