Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

dude it’s called proctologist

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person