Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

My dad.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever