Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

my dad when a sex scene comes on

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.