Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

The legends were true

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

i think we should see other cousins

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

(Electricians.)

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine