Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

This is my favorite one of these!

That’s no pocket rocket.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.