Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.