Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The real reason evolution started..😂

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g