me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]