me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
the three branches of government
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.