me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
You Might Also Like
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.