Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.