Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

When you have to use a public restroom.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position