Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
As the Lord intended
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please