Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Me, flirting😏

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.