Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A little too much information.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
i want it utterly assaulted.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting