Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
nice challenge
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything