Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.