Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn