Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

My ideal weight is five million dollars

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

Just had my nails done!

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.