Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.