Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings: