Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics