Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

The devil.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

me watching my own Instagram story

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

My kitchen overserved me.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.