Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Living the best life.. 😊

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Jail

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED