ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
my mom making me talk to relatives
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate