Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?