Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

rise and shine we got egg

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”