Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.