Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

peep davidson

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades