Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.