Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

He-man has a Masters degree

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.