me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*