me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.