me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“What?”
– Jude
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat