Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
