Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes