Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Become ungovernable.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

Herpes is trending, good job people

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON