Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

🍛

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.