Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.