Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]