ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.