me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
😾
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”