me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Not today
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.