Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Canada has crack?

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

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