Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.