Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?