Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.