ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes