ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
