I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw