@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

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@LuvPug

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@Book_Krazy

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@david8hughes

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high