How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
🤣✨#caturday
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business