To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
This sounds bad: