ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Thursday
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Become ungovernable.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
cyclists
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Happy Star Wars day!
