Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”