ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.