Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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[screaming and mass hysteria]
Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Me: I thought you said BYO bees
Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.