@dave_cactus

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

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@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

@isabelzawtun

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK