ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.


Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.


Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one


Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.


[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶


I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.


Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.


I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site



MORT: I think I’m a vampire

MARV: We all love blood, Mort

MORT: But I can’t see myself in this mirror

MARV: That’s a leaf