ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
real
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …