ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me as a therapist: omg same
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂