Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.