Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

eating my hot dog hamburger style

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

🙋‍♀️

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Wasn’t this a cartoon.