Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

ㅤ

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.