Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you