Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.