Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.