Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Clients after you give them your rates

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.