Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Never let them know your next move 😂
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind