Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”