Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
United Steaks of America
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks