Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Meanwhile in Canada…

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute