Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Roombas should bark
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood