Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You Might Also Like
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine