Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume