Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe